My Big Dark Room

i've been horribly sick again. sucks major fucking ass....stupid ass pneumonia or whatever the fuck you want to call it. blah. i didn't get to sleep until late last night and i was up early and fucking hell now i'm all groggy and confused and want coffee. i've started working out finally again.....i couldn't much when i was sick.....luckily while being sick it's impossible to gain weight so i stayed rather stable maybe lost a little. rawr. back to 100 sit ups, 3 reps of 10lbs on each arm, inner thigh squeezes, and hopefully soon when my hip is all better running. fuck i hhaven't run im a while...fucking dumb ass immune system and joints. *sigh*. i dunno i just have this really fucked up thing with my hip....it made me pass out a while back and i've been sick ever since. nothing serious tho....i've taken loads of tests and shit. just means i have to wait for it to rest and then i can go back to working out more intensely. rawr. fuck it's cold in this house....i think someone needs to learn the word "heating"....it would be a nice touch. of course mention that to nate and he gets pissed even though we're both living with his parents and he wouldn't have to pay or anything for the up in heating. his brother left. him and i kinda had a thing yet not really. just some embarassing run ins and whatnot. he's gone however....decided that he hated everyone in the house and couldn't take our shit anymore.....he forgot that he was the one coming home at 3am piss ass drunk and yelling at people. *sigh*. i just don't get it sometimes. when people don't like someone for a very intelligent reason...that person automatically makes that dislike that's placed on them the other person's problem. wait, i don't think i explained that right. but it seems that everytime someone gets on someone else's nerves all of a sudden the annoying person decides he's being victimized and needs an out instead of taking responsibility for thier actions. i mean, i know some people are poked at needlessly and it's sad. i was bullied in elementary school (most of which, i don't mean to brag at all, regretted it when i got to high school coz i was no longer the chubby innocent nerd.....take that fuckers.) and it sucked...however i took a different approach. instead of blaming everyone else i blamed myself....not really a healthy tactic...but at least i took responsibility for the way people saw me and i changed it. if you don't take responsibility for who you are (and that includes how others see you) you're going to walk around being misunderstood for the rest of your life. people can't read minds, give us a clue. i dunno, it just bothers me how everything is always someone else's problem and never the suffering individuals. i'm all about help and support but take ownership, that's the only way things are going to get better.....and now...all that came from my friend's brother being an ass because "he couldn't take it" anymore. take what? the free booze, free rent, free food, warm house, money, and companionship? i think someone was just pissed his parents kept flushing his crack down the toilet and that there was a chick in the house who almost always seemed horny and up for a good time but he never got laid. i think that was his real problem. *sigh*. i dunno i'm just ranting about dumb ass things.

ok i just want to talk about sex for a post. well not A post. but i'm changing the topic rather drastically i think so i thought i would warn anyone assed enough to read all this ( i commend you by the way, it's quite a feat to make it this far). i was sitting in my room....after reading some of "Long Hard Road Outta Hell" (Manson's Bio) and thinking about some of the kinky stuff that they took part in (participants in Manson's world) and started thinking. thinking about all the sex stuff i like.....so i decided to make a list....here for anyone's eyes and criticizm.
-bondage (tie me up and i'll just smile and comply)
-sex in the shower or rain
-blood
-cutting
-sexual endeavers encluding several men and myself
-being cummed on
-peircing
-being scratched
-biting
-sex in random places
-sex with a complete stranger
-teacher/studen scenarios
-extremely dominating men
-licking
-teasing
-massage
-erotic photography
-sex in a bathtub
-sex in a coffin
-sex and alcohol
-rough sex
-hot tub sex
-pool sex
-being told what to do

i dunno, there seemed to be more at the time....maybe my brain is just fucking itself over right now.
Fucks and Kisses
Alexa

I was "the new girl" on campus. After several years of fucking around I had finally gotten the courage to go back to school. I was majoring in english, and hoping to become an editor. I really wanted to be a writer but I needed a good flow of cash to support my chosen occupation. For some reason, you took interest in me. You wanted to know all about my ambitions, all about who I was, and genuinly seemed to care about my education. That was rare in a university professor, but I was definatly glad I had someone on my side.

It was always just very friendly, I never thought of anything more than someone to trust and help me through school. Apparently you had other plans. Most of the other females in my year thought you were hot. I mean, I guess there's always something seksi about a man who reads and can write words that make your spine shiver, but despite all that, I had always thought you a teacher and me a student. Being 10 years my senior it just never occured to me that you would want me.

You were tall, toned, with beautiful dark curly brown hair that matched your soft brown eyes. Your voice, a deep baratone that was almost hypnotizing to listen to in class. Mr.McCally, the teacher every girl wanted. However, the fact that these pathetic females let thier hormones get in the way of proper education sickened me. Being a woman who valued intelligence and integrity I demanded respect at all times. I was one of those girl who liked to be in control. Maybe that's why I was never attracted to you like those other girls. Even though you were my friend, your strong commanding nature scared me. I wasn't used to someone who's personality could rival my own..............

It had been a while since we'd had a chat, you had asked me to stay after your evening lecture to discuss some "issues" you had noticed with my grades. "Alright, I don't want to upset you but I am very dissapointed in your work as of late. You're a brilliant student and to be quite frank, what you've been handing in lately has been absolute crap." I closed my eyes and felt the humilliation creep it's way to face, turning my cheeks a soft pink. "Now, I don't want to have to fail you. I know you might be thinking 'but my grades were really impressive these past few months how could they be brought down this much??' well young lady, missing major assignments and having to leave class early for work will inhibit your ability to preform properly."

"Sir, I'm really sorry. It's just been really tough lately you know? I'm working two jobs to pay my tuition and that's just barely making a dent in the debt from last semester's courses. I'm drowning. I'm sorry, but I'm doing my best. I thought maybe, you'd understnad?"

"I can't turn 50's into 80's. And I happen to know for a fact that you have been eyeing that advanced lit course next year. They're only taking select students with impressive averages. You won't get in. It's too late to bring your mark up, you've waited too long to come to me."

"Fucking hell. I have to pass Sir, please. I've spent all my money all my time all my effort on this. I have to get into that lit class. I have to at least graduate with a decent average. No one's going to want to hire a fucking employee who flunked out of university especially when they were majoring in the subject that basically dominates the occupation they are applying for. Sir, please. I need this." I watch you walk over to the classroom door and lock it. My heart beats a little faster and I start to panic. When you turn around I see the friendly face of my teacher smiling. I relax, I know it's nothing and that you'r jus trying to help me.

"Look, " you walk closer so you're staring right at me intently, holding my attention. "I think I can help you out. In fact I think I can help you out quite a bit. However, there are trade offs young lady. I'm not going to up your grades while you sit on your ass and do nothing alright? There are things I need your cooperation with." You let out a deep breath, and i feel the warm air of your exhale brush my skin lightly. I shake my head, why am I thinking like this? Why does it feel so intense?

"Ok, I understand that. I don't expect to sit around and do nothing. I'll work hard, you know I will. Whatever is needed, I have to pass." I sigh, my breath shuddering a bit. Damn, why do I get emotional about things like this?

"Good, I'm glad we have an understanding." You walk closer and put your hands on my waist. "I've been watching you since the first day you walked onto campus. I knew we'd be great friends," you lean your lips close to my ear and whisper, "but I want more." I start to panic. This shouldn't be happening. You're my teacher, I'm just trying to get through fucking school. I lift my hands up and try to push you away but keep a tight grip on my wrists.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? You know how much trouble I could get you in? You could lose your fucking job, you numbskull." I was getting mad. It was my fault that he was sexually deprived and I definatly wasn't going to be the object in which he acted out his fantasies. The fucking bastard.

"Oh, but I don't think you quite understand me. It doesn't matter if you think this is ethical or not, and trust me I won't lose my job. Especially since I happen to know your friends with that boy Jess, that boy who happens to be hacking into our system and fucking around with grades. Bet you thought it would be a nice and easy way to get through your classes. You see, luckily I happened to catch him doing this.....changing both yours and his own grades. You, don't know how much trouble I could get you in for that." I sighed. I had told Jess I wasn't sure about the idea, but he had assured me it was fool proof. I was caught. It was either get expelled and work some fucking dead end job or make it through this and come out on top. I'm not one for losing. "I know your slowly computing everything in your head. Is it worth it? Do I have any other choices? Will he hurt me.....will I like when he fucks me.....will I scream his name as I come over his hard cock........will I beg for more......?"

"Just fucking shutt up! I'm not going to be some toy alright. Just do whatever the fuck you need to do so I can get out of here. I don't want this, you disgust me. You fucking bastard." you take one of your hands and bring them to my lips, silencing me.

"I think you really have to watch what you say." A slow smile curves onto your lips as you pull me close to your body, close enough that I can feel your massive hard on firm against my pussy. I let out a deep breath, looking away from you. " You're going to look at me alright? I know you want this, I bet if I reach down you're going to be wet for me." he slowly inched his hand down into my jeans and stroked along the lace thong I was wearing. He was right, I was wet. " Mmmmm, that's a good girl." Bringing your fingers up to your mouth you licks them gently, never taking your eyes off mine.

Your being gentle. Soft kisses on my lips, light sucks on my neck, wrapping me in your warm arms. The anger and coldness you expressed earlier seems to be gone. I relax a little, maybe this won't be so bad. I hear you moan as you press your hips harder into mine, becoming a little rougher in your handling of my body. I'm still wearing my lace thong and a t-shirt...you still in your pants. As you caress me harder I moan. I can't supress it, your hands on me feels so good no matter how wrong I know it is. "That's it you little whore. I knew you wanted this." You smile, making me finally come back to my senses and take in the diction you had just used with me. "Sorry, does that offend you? If it offends you, just tell me how degrading you find it." Politeness? I can't figure it out. I look at you and try to smile.

"Yes, it does offend me. I don't like it. Don't ever speak to me like that again." You smile, pinching my nipples and licking them vigorously.

"But you are my little whore. My slut, you want this as much or even more than I do. Your body tells me that. You're all hung up on respect and yet you really just want to be violated. Well, you're getting that tonight." I close my eyes and shudder. This seems to prompt you to your next move; bending me over your desk so my breats are pressed against the cold metal and my ass is towards you. I try to move from this unflattering position, but you hold me tight. Nauseatingly tight, pushing my body into the hard metal of the desk........

more later.....

fucking shit hell. wow, that was a lot of swearing in one sentence....awesome thing about english. uuummm, well haven't posted in forever been mad sick and busy and all that wonderful crap. mono does that to you, you know? haha. a few months later and i'm feelin rather good....not to mention i've lost weight and have some photographers interested. hehe. i finally did finish thhat arcryillic for that lady....she loved it and left me all these nice messages on my cell. hasn't been much in the way of work...thank god for nate he doesn't care what i do as long as we're friends and chill out on friday nights and watch a clockwork orange for the 500th time and get mad drunk. fun times. arg. so i have all these new dates for "photo days" coming up. the last ones were botched because i was all sick and shit...yuck. uummm, yeah i guess that's really it. i've been doing random jobs, chillin with my best bud....and playing guitar more than ever. it really is a fucking seksi intrument. blah. well i guess that's it.
fucks and kisses
Alexa

so tired today....but then again I'm always tired....i actually ate something today so that's really good...a slice of veggie pizzaa.....mmmm.....i don't feel so good now though...i never feel good after i eat.....damn sicknesss.....then again w/e the hell. i really got to get working on this acryllic for this lady.....she wants it for her husband's bday in sept aarrrggg. not that ahhh, i don't know.....she's already paid me so i've used that money for random shit i've needed......so i don't know.....blah. i moved in with my friend nate......the whole living on my own in an apartment thing didn't work out as well as i origionally planned....i guess that's expected right?? creepy old men and thier doings........blah. so i'm living in my friend's parent's basement with him.....we've known each other a while now so it's cool. it's actually really nice to come home to somebody....and just talk and snuggle....best buds rock. rawr. wow, i'm really digging my icon and fuck this journal has a lot of pink in it....fucking jesus christ i need to fix that....rawr.....need some blood and hell lol....o dear....well i don't really have much else to say.....what am i supposed to write in a journal???? oo! uuum, hopefully next week i'lll have some pics and whatnot coz I have a photo day......lol don't really know what that is but ok......lol......
*fucks and kisses*
Alex